I met my husband in the fall of 2000. I was a freshman, he was a senior.
We started dating in July 2001, started trying for a baby in June 2004, got married August 2006, got diagnosed infertile and PCOS in April 2012.
Since 2000 when I blossomed and made a bunch of my best friends in high school, I have watched so many get pregnant. Some get married, some get abortions, some become single moms, some waited to have babies with the love of their life until more recently but only waited three months to get pregnant.
When I first started trying on this journey to motherhood I had a plan. (ha!) I would have my first at 20, second at 23, and third at 26 (all girls too). That way I would have my last toddler as I came into my thirties.
I am now 26. I have no children. I do have a husband, and a dog, both whom I love very much.
But it's just not the same.
After being on birth control (Depo Provera then Ortho Evra) and deciding to stop it all in 2004 and toss my chances to the wind, I have Wanted. Waited. Prayed. Hoped. Cried.But, it turns out, those 3 years of birth control were just a fucking waste of money and the Ortho Evra (the patch) may have screwed me up even more.
Now I take Metformin and Progesterone. I read the blogs. I read the birth blogs, the wonderful birth stories. I've planned out my whole birth. I've named my non existent children. I've wrapped the dog up like a baby and burped him. I've watched infertiles around me have babies.
Soon will be my time. I finally get to start working on me. I finally get to start taking tests, getting work ups. Trans vaginal ultrasound? Sure. Semen analysis? Sure. Anther Trans Vag ultrasound? Sure. Whatever. Do what you need to do. There's never been a baby in there. Help me get it working.
Until.... Until last September. I started tracking my BBT (basal body temp) in August. I saw my dip, and saw the rise. I was fertilized! A week later... there was blood. Could it be implanting? Nope. Passed the sac. I was down.
October, nothing. November, nothing. December, hmm. Brest tenderness. temp rise. feeling of being 'off'. Maybe? Symptoms, check! 10 days later... blood. A lot of blood. And another little lumpy mucous-y sac. This is the closes I've ever been. I was actually pregnant! for a week, but it still counts, right?
Now, I just have to figure out how to get it to freaking stay. Just stay little baby. I want you so much. I will love you so much. I love your daddy so much, I want to have a baby with. him.
I lose weight. I eat my veggies. I take my vitamins. I drink my tea. I check my waking temperature. I keep reading the blogs. I decide I will breast feed no matter what. DO YOU HEAR ME BABY!?!?!?! I will breast feed you, EVEN IF YOU GIVE ME MASTITIS! That's fucking painful.
But you will be worth it. You will be mine. I will make you. I will keep you. I will birth you. I will love you like no mother has ever loved her offspring, sprung from her loins. You. Will. Happen.
